IT’S THAT time of year again folks when the big white-haired fella pulls on his red and white kit, fills his black boots and heads south to dish out Christmas presents to the Non-League world.
In years gone by it was Steve McNulty I wrote that opening paragraph about. But now he’s left Fleetwood for Luton, and their orange kit doesn’t quite fit with Santa’s strip, Altrincham coach Ian Senior can fill in.
The goalkeeping legend of the north-west certainly knows all the addresses – after all, he played for most Non-League clubs. And as a supplier of kit, gloves and all sorts of equipment to them through his SK Kits company, he’s always delivering goodies, so ready yourself Rudolf, he’s on his way…
First stop is Wrexham‘s Racecourse, where Dragons fan @BartonBank wants us to deliver a time machine to Brett Ormerod, “to take him back to the 59th minute of the play-off final so he can score, rather than blast it over the bar”.
Next it’s over to Hyde’s Ewen Fields, and although I’d already thought it, I’m going to give the credit to York fan @mikecoops85 who tweeted me this week to suggest a speeding ticket, so the Tigers can pick up three points for the first time this season (unless they won yesterday, of course)!
Then it’s across to Blundell Park, Grimsby, where we’ll drop off a dabber pen to my old Ware team-mate Scott Neilson to use on his weekly trips to Cleethorpes’ Haven caravan site to play bingo!
Eyes down to the Midlands next, where @John_Pratt85 wants a book on how to be a barber delivered to Kidderminster Harriers winger James Dance, who has become the Harriers’ dressing room’s resident hairdresser since his summer move from Luton.
Having seen his efforts on the likes of Joe Lolley, Lee Fowler and Lee Vaughan, I’m also giving @MrPrivateDancer (his twitter handle if you want to see photographic evidence) some new scissors and clippers to pop over to Tamworth and sort out Dale Belford’s barnet.
But not before the Lambs boss gets to wear the wellies I’m giving him for his next trip to Glastonbury, because I’m sure that’s where he’d just returned from when he was pictured last summer welcoming new signing Tom Eckersley to the Staffordshire club!
Just down the road we’ll stop off at Liberty Way, Nuneaton to give Town boss Kevin Wilkin a new jockey’s whip.
The keen rider can use it to keep his Boro side going as the Skrill Premier play-off race reaches its final few furlongs, and if he ever fulfils his dream of riding in the St Patrick’s Derby charity race at Cheltenham Festival.
At Kenilworth Road, Luton there’s a copy of Mary Berry’s book ‘100 Cakes and Bakes’ for Hatters chief John Still, who keeps rolling out one of my favourite Stillisms of all-time.
In pre-season BT Sport filmed him reminding his players of the importance of doing their job for the team. “It’s like baking a cake,” the 62-year-old told his boys. “You can mix all the ingredients in great, but if you forget the milk, the cake ain’t going to taste like cake!”
And early in the season, when highlighting how important supporters can be to him, his staff, his team and the club’s hierarchy, he said: “It’s like making a cake, if you make a fruitcake with all the ingredients and no fruit, you haven’t got a fruitcake. Every part of that cake is an ingredient.”
Talking of fans’ backing, we put Cambridge United’s former Kenilworth Road boss Richard Money’s head on Russell Crowe’s body when he asked U’s supporters ‘Are you not entertained?’ after a quiet Abbey watched a 1-0 win over Hereford.
He’s done gladiatorial battle as Maximum Money-mus in Rome’s Colosseum. Now it’s time to get him dressed up again, and with ex-Barrow keeper Stuart Tomlinson’s move to America’s World Wrestling Entertainment in mind, I reckon a wrestler’s leotard would be perfect for his next bout as Dickie ‘The Daddy’ Dosh.
After all his side have found it ‘Easy, Easy, Easy’ to get opponents on the Conference canvas so far this term!
Down at St Albans, evergreen goalkeeper Paul Bastock gets a new tooth because, at 43, he might be a bit long in it, he still plays the game more beautifully than his matchday face appears in photos. Last Saturday against Cambridge, ‘Baz’ pulled off save after save, and I hope that 2014 brings him his ultimate gift: the chance to play in a competitive game against his 17-year-old son, Callum, who is Grimsby’s youth team keeper.
Heading further south, we stop off at Buckhurst Hill to give Glenn Little – another of Non-League’s, er, lookers – some tanning salon vouchers to help the Wealdstone veteran in his bid to land a role in The Only Way Is Essex!
To the Kent coast we deliver a bucket and spade – and the obligatory jolly boys’ outing ‘Kiss Me Quick’ hats – to Terry Brown and Stuart Cash, because that’s what the Margate locals will be wanting to do to the ex- AFC Wimbledon duo when they build the Ryman Premier club into a Non-League force.
Heading west to Nailsworth, @HeedBoy4 wants to give Forest Green chairman Dale Vince a Gordon Ramsay cookbook because in his view (and not mine, I might add) “the food at the New Lawn is minging!”
I’m delivering new Rovers manager Ady Pennock a Cath Kidston teapot for brewing the green tea he had with his new boss just before his unveiling at the Skrill Premier club last month.
At Salisbury, we’ll drop off some Hugo Boss aftershave for Mikey Harris, just to confirm that – once he’s shed his beard – he is the Whites’ gaffer after one of our reporters mistakenly referred to him as predecessor Darrell Clarke, and BBC Radio Solent announced on air recently that he’d been sacked.
Thankfully he hadn’t – and as we head east to Hampshire, one man who certainly won’t be losing his job is Farnborough boss Spencer Day, although I’m giving him a new name.
Continuing the Rushmoor Stadium owners’ tradition, Simon Hollis’ successor has tried Trethewy and seems settled on Day as a surname.
With manager/ownership boundaries blurred, internal drugs tests and Paddy Power-inspired name changes, you never know what to believe at the Skrill South club these days.
So with my favourite fictional character arriving down the chimney at this time, Spencer gets the deed poll papers to be renamed Christmas Day.
Have a cracker one and all!
